JANET STREET-PORTER: on the Queen's marriage

Janet Street Porter on the Queen's marriage



Would a butler have saved any of my four marriages from the divorce court? Quite possibly.



I didn’t need regular sex, or silly presents, but someone non-judgemental to run a bath, serve a simple breakfast (without smelly bacon) and put out the rubbish without a long-suffering face.



A few months after our wedding, one of my husbands decamped to a hotel, with the parting shot ‘at least room service won’t answer back’.



A long lasting marriage seems like an impossible dream - on a par with landing on Mars anytime soon or watching Jeremy Clarkson bake a cake.



Currently, four out of ten couples call it quits before their twentieth wedding anniversary, so no wonder the Queen and Prince Phillip - celebrating their 70-year union this week - inspire such gushing praise from royal-watchers.



What’s their secret? In an age of short attention spans, unfriending, trolling, and sexting on social media, how can the same two people be married for over half a century?



It’s beyond my comprehension.





Of course, there’s the huge wealth (no rows about overdrafts) and palatial quarters with dozens of rooms, making it easier to avoid each other’s irritating habits like snoring or droning on about carriage racing or race horse blood lines.



Another benefit could be dozens of servants to do the washing, press all those smart suits, choose what you have to wear and put it all away afterwards.



Tired of seeing the same face on the other side of the dining table? Don’t forget the Royals have got the Commonwealth, with plenty of former territories they can visit on state business and they used to own a swanky yacht for ‘working’ cruises.



In spite of council cut backs, food banks, NHS waiting lists and a lack of starter homes, there’s still a Royal Train, available for a quiet night in a siding en route to the Highlands and several months stalking and shooting.



Without a doubt, the Royal couple have all sorts of extras which more than partially offset the endless ceremonies and life on permanent show.



For most of us commoners, though, staying married is a challenge and the divorce rate in England and Wales has risen for the first time in a decade.



There’s a growing movement to facilitate easier divorce in the UK, removing the antedeluvian concept of ‘blame’.



If successful, and divorce is simpler and less costly, I predict that there will be a rush to end loveless unions.



The new increase in divorce comes from silver splitters - middle class elderly people younger than the Queen and Prince Philip, pensioners and parents who have seen their children leave school and university and see no reason to share the rest of their lives with a partner they secretly loathe and certainly don’t want to bonk.



The Queen and Prince Philip have also failed as parents by contributing to the rising divorce rate - three of their four children’s marriages failed - and these were unions that were carefully sanctioned to ‘enhance’ the Royal brand at the time. Princess Diana brought huge glamour to the family, but an unstable personality.





Prince Charles was stunted emotionally, and unable to cope. Sarah Ferguson was gorgeously chatty and fun, but not someone who could fit in and be dreary.



As for Princess Anne, the reasons for the end of her marriage were kept under wraps, and afterwards her children and ex-husband all seem to get on together in the no-nonsense way you’d expect.



Which brings us back to the enigma of the 70 year Royal Marriage.



Their anniversary produced twaddle like ‘love and humour have helped them achieve the longest-lasting marriage in British Royal History’.



For another view of the monarchy, I recommend Craig Brown’s hilarious biography of Princess Margaret, based on obserbvations by dozens of people who had the misfortune to cross her path, entitled ‘Darling Ma’am’.



As the book reveals, it can’t have been easy to have had such an unpleasant self-centred idle younger sister, whose taste in men was utterly bizarre and whose manners were atrocious.



Maybe living with the whacky Margaret - existing in a state of constant damage limitation - conditioned the Queen to tolerate Prince Phillip’s wandering eye and prolonged absences.



Avid fans of the Crown (me included) are counting the days until series 2 airs on Netflix (Dec 8th) - but like the guff written about the anniverary, this is pure fantasy.



The Queen should have given herself, not Prince Phillip, a huge accolade for services to the British economy.



At 91, she heads a huge business empire, said to be worth £60 billion.



And instead of focusing on her marriage, we should salute this unique senior citizen, who has managed to keep her empire afloat in spite of her family.