KATIE HOPKINS begs brides to rein in their tacky weddings

KATIE HOPKINS begs brides to rein in their tacky weddings



Dear Bride-to-be

Your big day is not too far away now, so I thought I should write to you to wish you good luck before you become a married woman.

I should say, congratulations on finally finding someone to pop the question. I don't care what the majority think about the tragedy of online dating.

As I see it, it brings happiness to a lot of deeply flawed people who would never find love if it were not for the power of the internet, messaging enables your personality to get in ahead of your face. And your face, a soft filter.

We both know planning your big day can be pretty darned stressful. When you've been living together for god-knows-how many years already and clearly have everything you could ever need – trying to come up with a wedding gift list without looking greedy is really tasteless. I mean testing.

But like a trooper you've probably managed it and asked us to pay for your honeymoon. And even specified the travel company of your choice. And the amount you expect from couples. My husband said he'd love to wipe your a*** for you too whilst he's at it. Funny guy.

I can't say how much it pleasure it will give me to watch you Instagram your tan from the holiday I helped fund on my commute to work in the rain with Southern Rail. Happy just isn't the word.



Talking of work, it's a funny old habit but I tend to turn up 9-5, Monday to Friday. Something to do with my contract and these being normal operating hours in the UK.

Finding out so many weddings are on a Tuesday surprised me a bit. I guess it will cost you about half as much and me double. But, it is your big day, I am excited to be paying through the nose to watch you feel special, and that's what counts.

What's a couple of days off work when you only get 20 all year including bank holidays? And why take one day's holiday when you will actually need to pay for two and a night in a hotel somewhere you didn't want to be?



I am so looking forward to it. I love it when a hotel pretends to be a church and you get married in the same room the local bowling club have their AGM. Sticky carpets and the Love Actually theme tune, all overseen by a Justice of the Peace in a navy polyester suit at war with body beneath. Makes me cry just thinking about it. Really.

I did wonder as well about your decision not to invite the kids. I know you don't have any yet. But as we both know – what with you being their godmother and all – I do. I have found myself wondering whether brides think how much it costs to get someone to look after our children when they are too tight to invite them?



Maybe you think we can just shove them back up our foof, clothes and all, and rebirth them when it's not on your bill? Or lock them in a cupboard for the day with a cheeky Nando's and tell them to sit still?

I also wonder about the weird bit of space between the afternoon and the evening, where we all wait for something to happen but nothing does. Except the arrival of the people who didn't get invited to the day bit.

But I don't mind an Evening Invite. I don't think it's awkward. I look at it for what it is. You like me, but not that much. Not as much as all the rest of the people I have never seen before in my life. Not enough to buy me lunch.



And to be fair, I probably wouldn't buy you lunch either. Certainly not at a hotel where you have been seen off and paid for chair covers.

Who covers chairs?

When you think about it, so much about weddings is a complete con. From the stupid owl you forked out for to fly in with your rings, to the dodgy cup-cake tower in the corner. M&S do them better for half the price.

I know Fat Ruth is still not speaking to you since you asked her to pay for her own bridesmaids dress on account of the sheer volume of material. But the cost of wedding shop dresses is madness. My first one was worn once and is still in its box upstairs. Nonsense. Nothing wrong with something from the High Street.

I always say; as long as the groom shows up, the ex-girlfriend doesn't look too much prettier than you, at least one of the bridesmaids has back fat and people who shouldn't do a speech but desperately want the air-time get to do one, and the bar is horrifically over-priced then it will be a great day.

And this will be a great day.

Lots of love

Katie

PS Let me know when you need help trying to have a wee in that dress. Good luck with that!